So I got a full length report. Here it is below. I am posting it so that I can have it saved somewhere online.
Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others
The following is a description of your basic stance towards life, the way others see you, the way you come across, the face you show to the world. In Chapter 3 you will read about the "The Inner You: Your Real Motivation", which describes the kind of person you are at heart and where your true priorities lie. Read this chapter and the next one and compare them - there may be significant differences between them, in which case "the inner you" may not shine through and others are in for some surprises when they get to know you at a more than superficial level. This chapter describes the costume you wear, your role in life, while Chapter 3 talks about the real person inside the costume.
High-spirited, enthusiastic, and exuberant, you love adventure, change, exploring new territory, and are not happy confined to the same safe, familiar, secure little world all the time. You have a strong restlessness and yearning for something greater than anything you've yet experienced, and you often live in your dreams and visions for the future. You tend to believe that the grass is greener somewhere else and you like to keep moving, either literally or figuratively. Idealistic and optimistic, you always expect something better ahead. You love to have a goal, something to aim for, but once you achieve it you are on to something else. You are ever on the lookout for new opportunities and you are a gambler, willing to take risks and to break new ground. The possibility of discovering something new is what makes life interesting for you. You have great faith in life and bounce back quickly from disappointment and failure.
Freedom-loving and independent, you cannot tolerate being caged for very long, and friends and loved ones must respect your need for freedom of movement. Binding commitments and responsibilities often weigh heavily upon you and you may resist "growing up" and taking on the limitations of adult life.
You are friendly and outgoing and have a great sense of fun and playfulness. You are also philosophically minded and often quite outspoken about your convictions and beliefs. Sometimes you get carried away with your enthusiasm of the moment and you tend to exaggerate. You are often a big talker, a big promiser, and you are usually pretty convincing. You do everything in a big way, a generous way. You like to have the best, and you heartily dislike stinginess, littleness, or pettiness. Your vision is always large. You are able to perceive the big picture, general patterns and principles, and are well suited to politics, business, higher education or religion.
Other people see you as a good sport and a good friend, but one who is not always consistent and dependable. You may also be seen as a wise person since you do not get bogged down in pettiness and trivialities, and are able to communicate a larger way of looking at situations, one that opens up new potentials. You are a person who believes in miracles, grace, or just plain good luck, someone who never gives up on life, and you inspire and encourage others to keep looking forward.
Moon Sextile Asc.:
Your emotional instincts, feelings, and intuition play a big part in the decisions you make and how you interact with the world, and generally your feelings are quite accurate and helpful to you. Also, establishing emotional rapport with the people you meet on a day to day level is rather easy for you. You appear somewhat sympathetic and concerned, so that others are drawn to you, especially when they need guidance or help.
Sun Quincunx Asc.:
The image you project to the world, and the person you really are inside, are considerably different. So much so that at times you may feel that people don't see or know the real you. They respond to the face they see, and the initial impression you make may actually be misleading. Within yourself, also, there is much complexity and tension, and you often feel that you need to change yourself in significant ways or that you continually hold back essential aspects of yourself.
Asc. Opposition Mercury/Jupiter
You have good organizing ability and know how to arrange everything skillfully. Happy in team-work and adept in negotiating, you can lead successful business meetings. You can easily obtain all the information you need in order to make the best deal.
Back to top
Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Ascendant in Sagittarius and Sun in Cancer:
At heart you are quite different than your exuberant, freewheeling manner (described in the previous chapter) would indicate. Although you do get restless and like to move around, home is also very important to you, and you need security and familiarity very much (as described in more detail below). At times you may feel torn between your craving for the comfortable and familiar versus a taste for the foreign and the unknown. You will need to find a place in your life for these two contradictory impulses.
Sun in Cancer:
You have powerful emotional attachments to the past, your family, your childhood, those places you associate with safety and security and your beginnings. Maintaining a connection with your roots and heritage and keeping family bonds strong are very important to you. Loyal, devoted, and sentimental, you tend to cling to whatever is dear to you, be it person, familiar place, or cherished possession.
You are sympathetic, nurturing, supportive, and very sensitive to the emotional needs of other people. You like to be needed, to care for others, and you often worry about the people you love. You have a very strong need for a sense of belonging and acceptance, and you center much of your life around your home. You are more concerned about people and their feelings than with power, achievement, or position in society. Kindness, consideration, and tenderness impress you more than any sort of honor the world can bestow.
You are primarily emotional and your views are often dominated by your feelings and by your own personal, subjective experiences, rather than reason, logic, or abstract principles. It is difficult for you to judge situations in a fair, objective manner for your personal sympathies and loyalties usually enter in. You take things very personally, and sometimes build a wall around yourself to protect yourself from pain and rejection. You feel rather shy and vulnerable at heart. You also tend to be moody, experiencing frequent emotional ups and downs. You need to have a place and time in your life to withdraw, introspect, dream, and replenish yourself; otherwise you become cranky and unhappy with those around you.
You function in an instinctive, nonrational manner and like to immerse yourself in creative activities where you can express your feelings, imagination, and instincts. You often love to cook, since it can be both creative and a way to nurture and nourish others. You also have a great affinity for music, because it evokes and communicates feelings that may be difficult or impossible to put into words.
Your compassion, sensitivity, and imagination are your strong points. Your faults include an inability to release the past and go forward, clannishness and prejudice, and a tendency to be self-pitying when you meet hardships in life.
Sun in 8th house:
You crave intense experiences and are attracted to aspects of life that are strange, unfathomable, or taboo. You may hide your interests or inclinations, except from those who know you very intimately. You are rarely content with yourself and your life, and you have an inner urge to be continually going farther or deeper than you ever have before. You also have a strong interest in social power and the role that money and economics play in people's lives.
Sun Quincunx Moon:
There is an ongoing, subtle conflict within you, between your conscious attitudes and aspirations, and your deeper emotional and subconscious beliefs, needs, and feelings. This creates considerable inner stress and sometimes paralyzing indecision, mostly due to the fact that you may be trying to follow a path that is at odds with your subconscious desires. Chronic tightness or tension in your body may well be a signal that you are denying or suppressing the messages from your subconscious or emotional self.
Ideally, you will learn to accept the two quite different aspects of yourself and to express both of them. If you cannot do this, you're apt to attract many people into your life who reflect your denied or repressed qualities, and who seem to make your life difficult. (Read Chapter 4's description of your moon sign and compare it to the above interpretation of your sun sign in order to get a better picture of the duality described here.)
Sun Opposition Neptune:
You are extremely sensitive, compassionate, and giving, often to your own personal disadvantage. Your ideals and spiritual values motivate you, and you cannot live only for personal gain or materialistic concerns. There must be an element of beauty, magic, imagination, inspiration or creativity in what you do. Otherwise you become listless and aimless. The arts, theater, music, and/or charitable works suit you well.
Sun Trine Pluto:
You have a deep belief in your own power and your ability to survive any change and to emerge victoriously from any difficulty. You have tremendous inner resources and strength. Intense, strong willed, and zealous, you pursue your desires and goals with complete dedication and singleness of purpose, and you may be somewhat compulsive, even fanatical at times. You like to live intensely and have no respect for people who are weak, who avoid confronting life and their own destiny.
Sun Opposition Moon/Asc.
You have a strong need to be with people whom you are emotionally close to. You are very sensitive to others emotional needs, lending a sympathetic ear to their problems. Peace and harmony in your personal surroundings are very important to you.
Back to top
Section 3: Your Elemental Nature
Your fundamental needs, values, and orientation towards life are symbolized by the four astrological elements. Each person has their own unique balance of these four basic energies: fire (warmth, inspiration, enthusiasm), earth (practicality, realism, material interests), air (social and intellectual qualities), and water (emotional needs and feelings).
Your "elemental make-up" is described below. Remember that most people are "unbalanced" or lopsided, and if you are lacking or deficient in a certain element (or elements), it simply means that you need to consciously develop that aspect of yourself to learn to appreciate and/or to work harder in that dimension of life.
Sometimes we overvalue the element that we are least endowed with, sensing it as a lack within ourselves, but more often we neglect or ignore it. The qualities described below will be reiterated and explained in more detail in the following chapters.
Air and Water are Strong (F,E,A,W Scores = 11,3,18,17):
Your gift lies in your ability to perceive, understand, and communicate about matters of feeling, of heart and soul. You are thus well suited to any field that involves working with people as a counselor or teacher, and even if you are not so trained, others seek you out as an advisor, for you are able to clarify and sensitively discuss their personal concerns and problems. Relationship is really a primary importance to you and is the arena in which your richest and most fulfilling experiences lie. You, even more than most people, require friends and intimates to share your thoughts and your life with.
You also have an active and creative mind and are apt to spend much time reading, thinking or daydreaming, and/or writing (stories, music, lyrics, diaries, letters, etc.). Film or any media combining words with images and emotions also fascinates you.
At times your mind and intellect may seem to be at odds with your instinctive, emotional, feeling side, and it is your task to bring them together. You may spend a lot of time cogitating and mulling over your experiences and feelings, trying to understand and make sense of them.
You are quite sensitive (psychologically and physically) and may avoid direct, active participation in life.
Earth is Weak (F,E,A,W Scores = 11,3,18,17):
One of your primary challenges involves developing a stable sense of security, solidness, and a steady rhythm in your life. Cultivating self-discipline, patience and endurance, and learning to accept realistic limitations will enable you to be more productive and to actualize some of the ideas and creative impulses you have. You are not always interested in practical applications, the actual work involved in realizing a desire or compromises for the sake of practicalities.
You feel out of place in the world at times, restless, discontent, unable to find your niche, dissatisfied with mundane reality. Positively this may spark your exploration of the creative, imaginative, or spiritual side of life. However, you tend to resist growing up and learning how to effectively deal with adult responsibility. You also tend to be either bound up with the past or projecting into the future, ignoring the present moment - what actually is. To become more present and grounded, you may find the following helpful: getting massages on a regular basis, doing gentle regular, rhythmic exercise like walking or yoga, and eating substantial, heavy foods.
Air and Water are Strong and Ascendant is in Fire sign:
However, as described in the next chapter, you appear quite spirited and independent. You have a certain confidence or boldness in your manner which masks your emotional sensitivity, as described above.
Back to top
Section 4: Mental Interests and Abilities
Mercury in Gemini:
You have an extremely active, lively and versatile mind with a multitude of interests and an inexhaustible curiosity about life. You are quick to grasp new concepts and equally quick to lose interest in an idea or project once your curiosity has been satisfied. You like to taste a little bit of everything -concentration and disciplined study are not your strong points. Mentally restless, you may change jobs or locations frequently, or do work that involves movement, travel, and variety.
You have a flair for language, playing with words, speaking, writing, or teaching in an entertaining and informative way. You also enjoy meeting new people, conversing and learning a little bit about them, and you work well with the public.
Sales, advertising, communications, journalism, or public relations are good areas for you. Your ability to be articulate and to communicate well is one of your greatest strengths.
Mercury in 7th house:
You are often involved in verbal exchanges, interviewing, discussing, debating, counseling, negotiating, getting and giving feedback, and sharing information. You are drawn to intelligent and verbal people, with whom you can communicate and from whom you can learn. You love to have an audience to hear your ideas, and you also appreciate eloquent presentations by others.
Mercury Conjunct Venus:
You appreciate aesthetics and have a fine sense of form, design, and beauty. You could develop considerable technical skill as an artist, designer, craftsman, or creative writer. You could also sell objects of beauty - artistic products, cosmetics, jewelry, etc.
You have the ability to please and harmonize well with others and tend to ameliorate relationships between people. Your sense of humor, tact, and personal charm are of great benefit to you in any work with people on a one-to-one level.
Mercury aspects Venus and Mars:
Although your tact was commented on above, you can also be very direct, even brutally frank, in the way you communicate, as mentioned below.
Mercury Square Mars:
Argumentative and rather aggressive and critical in discussions, you tend to turn any conversation into a debate, and sometimes a verbal war. You could be a spokesman for a righteous cause, a lawyer vigorously defending a client, a sharp analyst or critic. You are a convincing speaker, but are not especially receptive to the ideas and opinions of others. You have a forceful intellect and an aptitude for mental work.
Back to top
Section 5: Emotions: Moods, Feelings, Romance
Moon in Aquarius:
You are not easily moved by emotional displays and can be curiously detached from your own and others' emotions. It's almost as if you could turn your feelings on and off at will so you should be careful not to leave the switch "off" too often, for you could easily become too impersonal. Family ties and attachments are not as important to you as they are to most people and you often consider your friends closer to you than your blood relatives. Certainly, your sympathy and concern extends much beyond your immediate family. In your personal relationships, you insist upon a certain amount of independence and the freedom to pursue friendships with as many people, of both sexes, as you choose. You do not appreciate a jealous, possessive partner.
You feel comfortable in an atmosphere that is open and experimental, and you have little taste for convention and tradition.
Moon in 2nd house:
You are likely to be a great collector of things - a real pack rat in fact - for your belongings give you a sense of security and continuity with the past, which is important to you. Antiques or things with sentimental value from your past are especially dear to you.
You may also cling rather tightly to both money and possessions, keeping them "in the family" rather than sharing freely with those outside of your immediate circle.
Moon Trine Venus:
You feel that little, daily acts of caring and thoughtfulness are essential to the happiness and success of a relationship and you know how to make others feel accepted, loved, and cherished. You enjoy good relationships with women.
Moon Square Pluto:
You have intense desires and feelings and your personal relationships are deeply emotional, passionate, and often stormy and painful as well. There are powerful magnetic ties between yourself and those you care about, and you could become emotionally obsessed by another person. Your feelings can become so urgent and compelling that you do things that are not rational. You undergo periodic emotional upheavals and purging, when you must break all ties, release the past and begin anew.
Moon Conjunct Mars/Saturn
Your will tends to be a bit weak and you seem to lack courage. Somewhat slow to take action, you think that you will fail because of your inadequacies as a person. You keep your feelings to yourself and should guard against depression and pessimism.
Moon Conjunct Mars/Uranus
You are very ambitious and your energy is based on your feelings. You may feel that you have to assert yourself regardless of the risks that may be involved. You could have considerable tension with others and are not likely to compromise.
Venus in Gemini:
In love, you are more interested in a person's sense of humor and intelligence than in their physique. You like a partner who is mentally alive and who keeps you guessing a little bit, and you become restless and bored with someone who never asks questions, never changes or surprises you. Talking, sharing ideas, going places together, and learning new things together is very important to your happiness. You need lots of social stimulation, are something of a flirt, and like to have many friends of both sexes. A possessive, jealous partner is very stifling for you.
Venus in 7th house:
You are a very personable, affectionate, loving friend and will always have many people in your life who love and cherish you. You prefer being with others rather than on your own, and you feel very incomplete without a special person in your life to share your love with. Being half of a close, loving couple is very important to you.
You are a peacemaker, the one who adapts, harmonizes, and makes concessions for the sake of the relationship. Your charm and agreeableness makes you very popular.
Back to top
Section 6: Drive and Ambition: How You Achieve Your Goals
Mars in Pisces:
You are noncombative, noncompetitive, and something of a pacifist. You will give something up rather than fight for it. You may seem weak-willed or ineffectual, for you do not have a strong ego drive for personal achievement and material advantage, or for winning at the expense of someone else. Being first, being best, being on top doesn't mean much to you, and you can be quite happy in a supporting role, working for the benefit of others or for a cause that you believe in. You are gentle and impressionable and are motivated by less mundane and less tangible things than most other people. You may have difficulty formulating clear, definite goals for yourself and making your way in the world. You have many dreams, high ideals, and a strong mystical or religious impulse. You also have a creative imagination and can successfully apply yourself to art or music. You have a sensitive physique and need to maintain good regular health habits in order build strength and stamina.
Mars in 4th house:
It is not easy for you to show the world at large your angry or competitive side, but your family sees this side of you more often. Temper tantrums, tumultuous family relationships, or a great deal of competition between you and one or more of your relations is likely. You like to be the one in charge in your home and you put a lot of energy into making it the way you want it.
Mars Sextile Jupiter:
You have a rather cocky, confident, we-can-do-it attitude which people in your environment pick up on quite readily. Inspiring, motivating, and encouraging others to go out and do their very best is one of your innate gifts. You have faith in the power of action and boldness, and enjoy imitating new programs and projects.
Mars aspects Jupiter and Saturn:
Although enterprising and forward-looking, you are also capable of much self-discipline, patience, and effort. You may swing from confidence and trust in the future to pessimism and doubt, when it comes to achieving your aims in life.
Mars Square Saturn:
You work hard and patiently to achieve your objectives, persevering and continuing on in spite of difficulties and discouragement. Concentrating on a single, clearly defined goal, you are able to accomplish much, but you often feel that the way is long and arduous, and that you must struggle on alone, that it's all on your shoulders.
You are capable of great self-control and self-denial and can be a hard task master, expecting far too much of yourself. You also tend to hold yourself back, to doubt your own power and ability. You feel that you meet with great resistance whenever you try to assert yourself or take initiative. Anger and frustration can be big problems for you, especially when you try to work with other people or depend too much on others for support. You work best in solitude.
Mars aspects Saturn and Uranus:
Although you are patient and steady when pursuing an objective, when you finally lose patience you lose it completely! In addition to having great tenacity and perseverance, you have a daring and rebellious side as well:
Mars Square Uranus:
Intensely restless, dynamic, and energetic, you are always on the go. When you want something, you want it NOW, and you act decisively, impulsively, sometimes hastily and prematurely. Impatient, high-strung, and often nervous and tense, you find it difficult to slow down, pace yourself, or relax. You are fiercely individualistic and independent, self-willed and intolerant of restraints and restrictions imposed by others. You have a reckless disregard for authority and can be extremely rebellious. Cooperating with others is not your strong point! You are often brutally frank and abrupt with people, and can be quite impersonal when you are pursuing a desired goal. You may have an explosive temper when your will is blocked. You have a superabundance of energy and need much personal freedom to do things in your own style and at your own pace.
Mars Opposition Sun/Asc.
You are industrious and diligent and have the power to establish yourself in the world. You are very ambitious and tend to strive for public recognition. Although you may not be looking for trouble, you also could easily get into disputes or quarrels.
Mars Conjunct Mercury/Saturn
You may find it difficult to communicate with others and have a tendency to quarrel. It is hard for you to express yourself and your ideas and opinions may often be challenged by others. Because of frequent disagreements, you are likely to feel incompatible.
Mars Conjunct Mercury/Uranus
You have courage and determination and the ability to sum up a situation quickly. Although somewhat tense and nervous, you take advantage of your opportunities and act accordingly. You could do well in technical fields and success for you could come suddenly.
Mars Opposition MC:
Conflicts in your early childhood are apt to be played out in your later professional life. Unresolved rivalry with a parent or sibling may result in antagonism toward superiors or competitors. If you can work through some of these past events, you will have even more energy and drive to achieve positive goals.
Mercury Square MC:
To achieve your long-range goals and ambitions, the process must be interesting and mentally stimulating, as you get bored with work that isn't challenging intellectually. You need variety and social stimulation as well. One problem you may have is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, or to the wrong person. You need to watch your words. Your tongue or even your sense of humor can get you in trouble with superiors at times.
MC Opposition Venus/Saturn
You are very reserved and may try to avoid contact with others as much as possible. You tend to suppress or hide your feelings and could see yourself as unappreciated or worthless. You are likely to go your own way and appreciate solitude.
MC Opposition Venus/Uranus
You enjoy life, are original and like to be admired. You love to go out and are always looking for new social contacts. It doesn't take you long to like someone and you are likely to have many adventurous love affairs.
MC Opposition Mars/N. Node
You have the ability to unite your own individuality with your community and consider other peoples feelings as important as yours. You work with others in successful cooperation and harmony and are a very good partner or colleague.
Back to top
Section 7: Growth and Expansion: Areas That You Enjoy
Jupiter in Taurus:
Material comfort, security, and well-being are quite important to you, and you are not one to have your head in the clouds when financial matters and future security are at stake. Your strengths are practicality, a love of the earth, and the ability to take great delight in the sensual pleasures of the natural world. Also, when you feel secure financially, you are likely to be very generous and hospitable.
Jupiter in 6th house:
You have a positive and constructive attitude toward work and what other people might consider drudgery. You enjoy helping people improve their lives, and the more service you render, the more benefits and rewards you find coming back to you. Promoting health in some manner is a very good avenue for you.
Jupiter Quincunx Uranus:
There is an uneasy balance within you between personal independence and freedom of thought versus being part of a collective, sharing beliefs and goals with others. Even if popularity is important to you, you can't seem to help occasionally injecting a bit of controversy, or rebelling against the well-established way of things. Group situations or efforts may interest you, then feel uncomfortable once you get involved.
Back to top
Section 8: Areas That Challenge You Or Are Difficult For You
Saturn in Sagittarius:
You have a critical, cynical attitude towards many religions and philosophies. Without realizing it, you prevent yourself from appreciating new viewpoints and attitudes. You are more rigid and dogmatic than you realize. Your approach may also be too intellectual or moralistic. You take your own political beliefs and spiritual philosophy very seriously, worrying and fretting if you are not 100% clear about some ideology or theory.
Saturn in 1st house:
You have a mature, disciplined, serious attitude toward life which colors everything you do. Caution and realism are your virtues though you limit yourself at times by being too careful, shy, or fearful, and not believing in yourself enough or being assertive when necessary. Others find you difficult to get to know intimately, as you tend to distance yourself from them or to put forth a rather stern, "adult" face to the world.
Jupiter Quincunx Saturn:
Your faith, optimism, and sense of possibilities are tempered by much caution, and often doubt or skepticism as well. Whatever hopes or visions you have for your life are firmly held in check by your sense of reality. At times you may wish for more freedom, but you also fear it and hang back. You may blame practical limitations or some external condition or the prevailing Authority for your own inhibitions.
Saturn Conjunct Uranus:
You are serious and sincere about your interests, you do not accept superficial answers, and you are not easily placated. You want to bring your inspirations into concrete reality, and you don't mind upsetting some apple carts if necessary. You become impatient with others for being hesitant to implement new ideas and take action, and your occasional outbreaks of brusque, insensitive behavior often do more harm than good.
Saturn Opposition Sun/Venus
You tend to be shy, sensitive and stiff with your emotions and may have difficulty expressing your true feelings, even though your affection for someone is there. One of your parents may have been too strict and unloving, and so you may fear close relationships.
Now we will discuss patterns of behavior which you instinctively and habitually revert to when under stress - a mostly unconscious process and one which you are apt to overdo because it is so familiar and thus easy for you. The direction you need to follow in order to develop balance, greater awareness, and wholeness is also described.
N. Node in Pisces:
Cultivating the qualities of empathy, gentleness, and compassion will help counterbalance your deeply ingrained perfectionism and critical nature. When under stress, you are apt to try to rigorously analyze and to focus on what needs to be corrected or improved, and you can easily become problem-oriented, losing sight of the big picture and of what is working.
Learn to relax and surrender to the flow of events without having to figure everything out all the time. Let your feelings and intuitions flow more freely, be more flexible and fluid, use your imagination and let your dreams emerge!
N. Node in 3rd house:
The arena you are most likely to wrestle with these issues is in the way you think, process information, and communicate. In your interactions with neighbors, colleagues, and acquaintances, try to bring out the qualities described above.
N. Node Conjunct Jupiter/Neptune
You tend to be a bit too idealistic and may place too much hope on your associations with others, resulting in frequent disappointments. You could be attracted to naive people, but some of your contacts also may turn out to be swindlers.
Back to top
Section 9: Originality and Imagination Areas Where You Are Creative, Unique, Unstable, or Compulsive
Uranus in 1st house:
You are an unconventional and innovative person, and you are seen as a rebel, reformer, or highly unusual in your manners, appearance, or attitudes. You enjoy being unpredictable, and you do not conform to the standards that other people have set. Above all, you are an individual, and you do what you please regardless of customs and norms. Your environment and life circumstances may change frequently and abruptly.
Neptune in 1st house:
You are yielding, gentle, and impressionable. You tend to "melt" into your surroundings, and do not make a very powerful, vivid impression on others. Especially while young, you may not have a very clear sense of identity.
Sensitive and compassionate, you do not enjoy fighting and no matter what you profess, you are a pacifist at heart.
Pluto in 11th house:
You may have a deep aversion to groups, associations, clubs, or organizations of any kind. Any such group you become involved in is likely to be either for intense personal growth, change, and healing, or centered around social change and revising society in some manner.
Uranus Opposition Sun/Venus
A bit self-willed and emotionally tense, you have a sparkling personality. You probably will be involved in many unusual liaisons and tend to end romances suddenly. As a small child you may have had changing bonds and somewhat superficial care.
Neptune Conjunct Moon/Asc.
You come across as a somewhat weak and helpless person and may create the impression for other's to feel sorry for you, but are not above capitalizing on your apparent weakness. Conditions in your family life could be a bit incoherent and nebulous.
Pluto Conjunct Saturn/MC
Success may not come easy for you, but you patiently and diligently proceed through life. You could be somewhat of a loner because you are so dedicated to achieve your goals that you don't have much time for social activity.
Pluto Conjunct Uranus/MC
Your ambitions tend to be a bit fanatic and you pursue your objectives very energetically. You seem to have an extraordinary amount of energy, but should use care not to overwork yourself and end up with a nervous breakdown.
Back to top
Section 10: Generational Influences: Your Age Group
In this chapter we will discuss characteristics and traits of your generation. Of course, you may not share all of the characteristics of your generation, but you are greatly affected by the tone that is set by your generation.
The first topic is "The Subconscious and Emotional Drive of Your Age Group". In this section we will describe a deeply felt urge, even compulsion, of your age group. This deeply felt drive comes to the surface with great force and power, and consequently leaves in its wake considerable upheaval and change. The second topic is "The Ideals and Illusions of Your Age Group", that describes the dreams, fantasies, and spiritual aspirations of your age group. The third and last topic is "What is New and Different in Your Age Group", which describes areas in which your age group tends to be innovative, inventive, unusual, and also where it may be unstable and unreliable.
The characteristics described below may affect a group of people for anywhere from a few years to about 30 years. There are one or more different astrological factors described in each of the three sections below.
The Subconscious and Emotional Drive of Your Age Group
Pluto in Scorpio:
You are part of a 12 year group of people who have a complex and deep emotional side. Your age group has a great fascination for the mysteries of life, and members of your age group will make extraordinary breakthroughs in the understanding of life processes; major advances in biological sciences will open up new technological possibilities. Intensive probing into genetic structure and cellular processes will accelerate genetic engineering into new vistas. Your generation also probes the mysteries of birth and death, and members of your age group will even develop laboratories for forging new understanding of what happens at birth and death. Other breakthroughs will be made in the understanding of animal behavior and sexual activity. Archeological studies will unearth vast new insights into the history of man, and the exploration of the ocean will receive a new impetus, spurred by unusual and interesting findings made at the bottom of the sea.
Behind all of this work is the deep, probing, penetrating interest in the mysterious. There is a deep fascination with sex, power, and the occult as well. Hypnosis, karate, and other mental and physical training techniques are likely to be very popular with your age group. The love of mystery is also likely to bring a revival of mystery novels and movies; your age group will bring the macabre into current fashion and style.
You are an emotionally complex group, and you can be prone to some very strange behavior. Intrigue and mystery are exciting to your age group, and hopefully this does not get the better of you, causing you to act in a cruel or grotesque manner. There is a chance that crime, violence, and emotional disturbance will be relatively high in your age group, but hopefully your interest in the mysterious, strange, grotesque, and macabre will not manifest in this way.
The Ideals and Illusions of Your Age Group
Neptune in Capricorn:
You are part of a 14 year group of people who are conservative and traditional in spiritual aspirations and religious outlook. Your age group returns to some traditional basics in religion, and also traditional styles in music and art. Classical music and literature have a revival with your age group, and a great deal of inspiration is gained from the masters of arts, music, literature, and philosophy throughout history. Your age group is contemplative and reflective about religious matters and you take an objective and logical approach to religious issues. Many of you are cynics and critics of spiritual and metaphysical ideas.
Other age groups criticize your group for not having enough heart and compassion. Sometimes this is true and is evidenced by some unusually crafty and manipulative fraud and deception that occurs in the higher ranks of governments and large businesses.
Neptune Sextile Pluto:
The entire generation to which you belong has tremendous opportunities for spiritual rebirth and awakening. This will not be forced upon you or precipitated by unavoidable events, rather it comes from an inner yearning and a natural propensity to seek the depths.
What is New and Different in Your Age Group
Uranus in Sagittarius:
You are part of a 7 year group of people who are extremely enterprising and forward-looking. You are optimists and explorers. Your age group shoots for the stars, figuratively and literally. Space exploration takes on new dimensions as your age group pushes fervently to the next frontier. There is a buoyant and youthful optimism and enthusiasm in your group, and you have your share of great discoveries as well as pipe dreams and disillusionment. The discoveries and contributions, however, are many, and more than compensate for the failures.
I don't know why but last night when i was writing in my journal, the one i acutally intentend to keep private, and i started writing in German. Ich weiß nicht, warum ich auf Deutsch scriebe. Ich habe angst über ob ich ein Mann haben wollen. Ich wieß, dass das sehr doof ist. Ich möchte smuchen. Ich bin müde und habe Angst.
And today i thought in german briefly and I was freaked out. Oh and I have a creative writing assingment which seems fun due Friday. I have to write a 3 page story in the style of Robinson Crusoe or Pamela. Oh and Germany is comming for sure April 6 Ich will fliege nach Deutschland. I am sorry I have been dead to the the world of like people. I have been being a good student again.....which also means less of a social life.
Fun news.....Yesterday one of my bosses pissed me off. I was making pizzas like crazy because we had a free pizza coupon and thus i was stressed out making like 1,000,000,000,000 pizzas. To make a pizza we have frozen crusts that we have to defrost and roll both sides. So the pizzas were turning out bubbly, but i was double rolling them. One of my bosses came over and reminded me to double roll them and i was like i am (as i was working on 5 pizzas at once). Then not 10 mins later the boss that annoys me stops surving the stupid pizza to say "So Barbara you know you should really double roll the pizzas because there really is no point selling them when they look like this (and she points)." Then i was pissed. So i told her "I have been Fucking double rolling the fucking pizzas the entire fucking time". She then tried to talk to me about it and i told her that it was best for her not to talk to me right now. Yep that was yesterday..... Yay cussing out bosses. If she tries to talk to me about it i am going to tell her "Well, how do you expect me to react when you stop doing your job to criticize me while i am doing mine?" Yay work. At least that might be somewhat interesting.
Oh and Guitar hero is the bane of my existence. I am soooooooooo addicted.
Now I shall get to the point of the title. Lately I have been wondering where i will end up in the future. I was wondering if I might move abroad, if possible, obviously to Germany. However, as i was thinking about it I discovered that even if I moved abroad i will always identify myself as American and feel very American. This is funny to think about since we (as in Americans) don't really think of ourself as one big group. We think of the whole melting pot image. For example my ancestors are German, Irish and Dutch and I think of myself as more of a combination of these things than simply American. But the beauty of being American is that it is not mutually exclusive, you can be American and still retain different aspects of your ancestorial culture. This reminds me of a conversation i had with my brother this weekend. I guess there are some problems in Germany because to them you are either German or you are not. There is not this freedom to be both German and Korean. If you are asian in Germany most Germans will not consider you German. This is interesting. I know we have had this problem in America, (and we still do look at the issues about mexican immigration), but i don't think it is as bad here. Or maybe I am a little too idealistic?
Oh and now I have become paranoid about how I appear in journal format. I know I usually just let everything spill out, without care about spelling or grammar. However, I showed one of my friends my old Xanga and the whole time she made fun of the mistakes in it. Now, I don't blame her I was laughing too, but I have become more aware about how dumb I can sound sometimes when I do not look over my writing at all.
I am the first to admit that I am a very emotional person. I also admit that I am not very logical or make the best decisions for myself. Usually I end up following my gut feeling or at least try to understand my feelings to deal with difficult situations in my life. I have had a hard time. I know everyone has. I know mine is no harder than the next, but it doesn't mean that it has not been hard. Ever since I got to college things have been going up and down right and left. I have had to experience so many changes in such a short time. And the problem with changes it that it is hard to accept that things just happen and that sometimes things happen and they cant go back. This has always been a problem for me. I am so nestalgic. For example I took me 2 years to get over losing Maelin as a friend. It took me around 2 years to get past bad things that happend, or not really bad but changes that happened in high school. And this quarter I have been facing one of the most difficult things to accept and get past: My first love. It basically took Ryan and I a year to end things, it took a year for him to discover that it was right to end them and it has taken longer than that for me to agree. And yes i whole heartenly agree.
How do i know this? How do I know I am just not saying this but will change my mind? Well I know I am not over him completely that is for sure. I know i still care for him. I know that part of me will always still care for him. Just like part of me still cares for Maelin. He was there for me for a long time and I was there for him. So how do I know. I know because i have been trying to date someone else and it really isnt working. And I know the reason it isnt working is because I dont want to just get into another relationship. I just want to be me and do what I want to do. I dont mind dating. Dating is great. I have no problem dating right now.
I have been really depressed a lot the last month or so. Why? Because I have been afraid of hurting Chris. I just was hurt, it sucks being hurt, and I am a nice person, I dont want to hurt him. So what happened? I kept on agreeing to things I did not feel comfortable with and I started loosing control. I was making compromises and they really are not that big, but they add up. I have been feeling pressured from the begining I met him I think i sort of liked him, I was not really sure, then I get this call and I am expected to answer do you like me or don't you? And I in my well i dont really know but i think I do stage said yeah sure. At first it was great talking. He is a nice good person, but he wants to be more involved than I want to or can be. I am sposed to fly out there after x mas and spend a week with him, no pressure suposidly, but when I tell him I have second thoughts he gets upset and says that the only way i can hurt him is not come out. The first thing i said to him when i called him is that I am unhappy and I am having second thoughts about comming out. Instead of asking me why am i unhappy why am I having second thoughts. It became about him and how I was going to hurt him etc. If he cared for me wouldn't he of asked why? Wouldnt he after i told him how i felt out of control and stuff backed off and said that if you dont want to come out now it is fine? No instead. I get texted how he misses me. And he tells me the only way for me to fix the unhappyness i am feeling is just to come out and give it a shot. And you know what? All of this has made me realize I just dont want to. I don't want that sort of commitment now. And really if he is not someone that I feel happy being with then it is not worth it to me.
I realized last night that I need to do what I want to do for a while because I want to. At first glace this may seem selfish, but from someone who has been basically in a realtionship for 5 years, I think it is probably nessasary. And I think it is a good thing that commitment scares me, right now. And really I am okay if it scares me for a while. I know eventually I will find a guy (or a couple?) that it doesn't seem scary with that I want to commit to and it will be fine. And if not? I will be fine. I have great friends and family. Like for example, last night my friend sophie came over and made me dinner and cookies because she knew i was depressed. Or the break up before this one I called Amanda and she listened to my emoness for a while. Or even when I was sorta freaking out about Chris I called up Mike after not talking to him for a long long time and he listend to me on the phone and gave me good advice. Or Emily who even though she had to write a paper talked to me about this and gave me advice. Or my mom that I can call up anytime and tell anything to and she will still love me and support me (Yes i realize this is her job but it is rare for someone to feel they can tell anything to their mother). Or Alexis who basically told me to do what I am doing now when I started feeling depressed, but knew me well enough that she knew i would not do what she adviced or not understand it for a while and she gave me the advice anyways because I needed to hear it.
Last night I wrote Ryan a letter forgiving him. here it is
I wanted to write to tell you I forgive you. But I realize that there is nothing really to forgive you did nothing wrong. You are just you and I am just me. We can't help being who we are or feeling what we feel or doing what we do. The only thing we can do is be honest and try not to hurt others more than we have to. I guess I want to tell you that I am not mad anymore and that i sincearlly wish you are happy. And really I want to thank you too. You were there for 5 years you have affected me, changed me and influenced me. I wouldnt be who I am now if it was not for you. And finally after a long time I am okay, well actually happy, with just me. And I am glad you did not allow me to sacrifice myself for you. I also wanted to appoligize. I know I have said some hurtful things. I said some the last time we talked and the time before etc. You know how you are not sposed to pet a hurt dog because they will bite? Well I have been a hurt dog, and I thank you for trying to pet me eventhough I bit you. That means a lot to me. I know it might take you a while to forgive me too, I know you might not actually forgive me. But that is okay with me. What matters to me is that you know that I hold no hard feelings and wish you the best. Someday maybe we could be friends. And i know that i would like to at least have updates on your life at some point. Though it is probably best for me that we dont really try to be friends for a while. Yes i called yesterday. I finally looked on your myspace after a month and saw that you were in a realationship and wanted to ask you about it. But then i realized it doesnt really matter. If you are in one and it makes you happy that is fine by me. Oh and also could you do me a favor and take my itunes account off your computers, i would not ask but for some reason my i tunes wont let me play some songs now because it says i have too many computers with my account on it. You dont have to write back. I don't expect you to and really if you dont want to you shouldnt. Again I just felt like I had to tell you i hold no hard feelings and really i know that in the end it will be okay for the both of us. You deserve a great life.
I seriously cried in the shower last night because I was happy. Because I do forgive him. I also realized i dont need to be angry or jelaous or hurt anymore. Because I realized that I dont need someone to be happy. Well I actually need a select few people who i know will support me to be happy but not just one person. I dont want to need anyone. I want to want to be with someone and not feel obligated or afraid to lose them. And I am also so BLESSED to have had all of these people in my life who have affected me and changed me and helped make me who I am now. And you know what I am happy with me. I love me and I am thankful to Ryan for ending the relationship so I can discover this, so I can be a greater person and truely appreciate all thoes people who i know care about me. Thank you: Mom, Alexis, Sophie, Amanda, Emily, Maria, Samantha, Sarah, Big Mike, Shaynne, Liz, Grace, Danniael, Hannah, Cathy, Sophie from Philly, Dean, Juliet, Adrien (yeah my little nephew when my brother told him about ryan not loving me anymore he said well I love her and when i am 20 i want to live with her), Aunt Sylvia, My Dad, Aunt Karen, Uncle Terry, Aunt Carol etc..... i know there are so much more. I am BLESSED!!!!
Good Morning, Midnight by Jean Rhys is one of the most disturbing books I have read so far.....
So I start my new job @ 2. And today right after English I got a call from Sophie my really good friend from summer. Apparently one of the guys we used to talk to (mostly giving vending machine advice) Basha died in a car accident this week. He wasn't even in college yet. He was just here this summer from highschool. 17 just seems way too short. I never really thought I believed in the myth invincibility of youth until now. It is just not sposed to happen (period).
So I had the most interesting day Friday. At first I was going to wake up and help my dad fix his and Beatriz's new office in Riverside and earn a little money on the way. But then he ended up having to do paper work all day because someone spelled his name as Bradley instead of Bradly on his title to his house. So we ened up running around all day trying to fill out the right documents to fix it. It ended up that my dad needed some information from documents Beatriz had in thier office. So we went there. Betriz wasn't there. I listened to my i pod to get rid of the bordem. When Betriz got there I said hi she kinda ignored me as usual. I then sat in an office chair and started plalying an i pod game.
I guess like 10-15 mins later I start to hear her yelling at my dad about how she is sick and tried of my aunt and some her. The her ends up being me. My dad calls me into the office and then asks me if I said hi to Betriz on Memorial Day Weekend when they were having the barbeque and I said i think i did. She might not of heard me. Then she starts yelling at my dad again saying that now my dad is calling her a lyer. Eventually my dad calls me to follow him out to the car. The whole time they are yelling at eachother. And Betriz in the most dehumanizing experiece of my life yelled at my dad about me when i was only 2 feet from them. I guess she said something to the effect of it is either her (which is me) or me (which is Betriz). My dad said something to the effect that she cannot make him forget his own flesh and blood. And then we left her office.
You would think that would be the end of the crazyness but no. She calls my dad and says that we should work things out. And of course I don't want to go back and try to work things out with her she barely aknowleged that I exist. But I did to make my dad happy. And so we went back to my dads house. We sit on the couch and she asked me what is my problem with her. I told her I have none. I don't really. Sure I might of had problems with her when I was younger but I don't care now. Then she started telling me all the problems she had with me. And I am sure you can guess what I started to do. I cryed of course. As soon as I started crying she said something like I am trying to manipulate my dad or something with my tears. And as I was crying I tried to explain this is how I am. I even told her I have been sent to conselling several times because of it since they were afraid i was from a trobled home. And she was like oh look brad what she is trying to blame on us now. And I said I was not triying to blame anything on any one I was just trying to clarify. So then she kept on yelling at me and i guess I twisted my lip becaue i was trying to think of a response. And of course she then is like look brad at these faces she makes at me. And then my dad notice that she refused to call me by my name. He was like if we are going to make any progress you need to call nori by her name. And guess what she says? I don't deserve a name. Yep. And she also refuses becaues lenore where nori comes from was my dads first crush and she refuses to call me someone that my dad loved. My dad's response was that he was 6. And then she lists her complaints about me. And in the end most were about things that I did when i was 9-12. One was that at my grandmother's funeral I sat and hung out with my dad's family and not her. It was my fucking grandmother's funeral. And you know what. I remeber what she said to me that day. That I needed to be strong for my dad. Sure I know I needed to be seistive to my dad but she was my grandmother too. And I had my great aunt on my mom's side who i was really close to die a month before. She was upset because when i was 9 my dad didn't have much money and she gave me a racecar bed. And on the way to pick it up my uncle was telling me how it was a reject bed. That they didn't really care about me. Etc. And of course I cried then too. And her main complaint now that I am older is that i don't help out and I don't make my bed. Aliright fine. Sure I don't. No one ever told me please make your bed. And since i am hardly ever out. I leave the room excatly how I found it when I came. Or the helping out thing no one ever said to me please do this. I don't know. And to be honest i feel so unwelcome at that house I feel more like a guest than someone who is sposed to have a home there. She also made it clear to me that it was not my home dispite what my dad said and that it was hers and my dad's home. And my dad was like hey i have always told Nori that my home is her home. So what if i have not cleaned up as much as was expected. You know what all you have to do is tell me. I cannot read minds. She was mad because my aunt one year decided to help me redecorate my room at the duplex and did not ask her about it. I was 10 maybe. I don't know about anyone else but at least at my mom's house my room is my room and I can decorate/organize it how i want. And besides that I was 10 and thought that was how all people thought of their rooms. My room at my dad's house is really not my room. Everything is organize how Betriz wants it and the walls are painted how betriz wants them too. And that is part of the reason I never chose to live there. I need some sort of sactuary some space that is mine otherwise i would go crazy. And last but not least she said she would throw away her sons for my dad. And my dad told her it is sick to expect him to throw away his only child for her. And that at least I came even though i did not want to to try and work things out. THen she started throwing things at him. And I went upstairs to pack my stuff. I just wanted to get out of the loony bin. She eventually left and said basically it is my fault that they broke up. You know I think the whole time she was trying to provoke me into getting angry and showing my dad my ugly side. But I endded up being the one who kept my cool as she said things that got crazier and crazier.
Even if I was not the nicest to here when i was like 9. Even if she had legitimate complaints about me. I deserve to be called by my name. I am 19 she cannot expect to rereaise me. And besides that I am hardly ever out to see my dad so my being there like 2 weeks total out of the year should not matter, even if she hates me. There is more to tell of course. But at this point I am sick and plauged by migraines. Sorry if I have igonred anyone in the last few days.
Having nothing to do has given me insomia. For a little while last school year I became sort of dependant on sleeping aids, but now since I have nothing to do there is no point on risking fucking up my sleep anymore. The other day I didn't go to bed until 5am. What was I doing? I was kinting a god damn blanket. Yep, I feel like Holly Hobby. Right now I am at my dad's house. It is okay. At least I get cable which means I watch horrible TV. Well actually it is a mixture of horrible crap and educational TV. I enjoy watching shows like wife swap, or the talk shows. I guess it is like a depressing novel. Somehow watching other people be miserable and mess up really badly makes you feel better about yourself. I guess that is sort of horrible of me, but at least I am honest?
In the end what is better honesty or hurting someone's feelings? The phrases the truth hurts and ignorance is bliss both ring true. Sometimes you get in troble for being frank and hurting someone others for not telling them something in fear of hurting them. With people I truely care about I try to lean towards honesty, though in the end I think it has hurt me a few times by hurting them. I do lie, hasn't everyone? But I try not to lie about the important things, especially if they involve other people who I care about. And I will definatly be honest if one of my friends asked me to be completely honest with them about something. In the end I feel like if they are going to get bad news it is better from me than from some outside sorce. I don't want to make excuses for my behavior. I know I have done some very mean things in the past to some people or I said mean and hurtful things in the name of honesty that in the end probably would be left better unsaid. Is my sin saying to much? One piece of advice my aunt Sylvia always gives is that you can't unsay things. This is true. But where does one draw the line between being honest and hurting someone? And then there are somethings that are left better unsaid, that there is no hope in fixing. I still think in the end honestly is better than lying to protect someones feelings, but I also believe that it depends on your realationship with the person. If you know them well or are good friends with them then I why shouldn't you be honest with them about things? If they know you, accept you, and care for you even if you hurt them a bit then shouldn't they appreciate the honesty?
Sometimes I wonder what would of happened if I was not so honest about somethings. Where would I be? Who would be my friends? Who would not be my friends? Who would I have advoided hurting? Who would I have gained? Who would I have lost?
The one thing that never changes is change itself. It is funny how some people walk in yourlife mean so much to you and then walk out. It is like my relationship with Maelin. We were best friends in 8th grade but then she moved away I got a boyfriend and she and I lost touch. Well not really lost touch. Her over the internet ex was still talking to me online sometimes 3 months after they broke up. I told him frankly that she had cheated on him (a few times actually) because I felt bad for him that he was still not over her. She got mad that I told her ex that she cheated on him to enable him to get over her. Yeah.....She refused to talk to me for 2+ years. And I found her on facebook randomly and now I have her as a facebook friend but nothing else. It took me forever to be okay with losing her as a friend. I guess it is just hard for me to lose people. I want to hold on to them, but I can't. People change.
So yesterday was perty chill. Went hung out with Amanda at the mall then drove back to my Dad's threw some clothes on and went bowling with Maria, Steph, Dean Bong, his gf Amanda, Robbie, Carol and Amie. I kinda forgot how ummm phyciscal Amie was and when she really laughs she sounds like a seal.
However, yesterday I found out that a lot of people are getting knocked up, hitched or just being dumb down here. It is strange to come back and here people say they are getting marryied, had a baby or something else. It makes me feel old, but also like one of the few sane individuals around. I was talking with Amanda yesterday and we came to the conclusion that some people just don't realize how hard life is without any money. They think it would be so much better to be out of their parents house where everything is for free and live on their own barely scraping by. Of course my parents both love me a lot and we get along super well so I cannot really understand/relate living in a hellish parental environment. And some people are just dumb.....enough said.
It is strange if I write something where I rant here I feel like it conveys me as being whinny or negative. If I write something that I have been thinking about that is kind of off beat I feel like a snob. The only things that I feel are okay to write are happy little posts.
So I am listening to a James Bond theme instramental while filling out flashcards.
Bond. James Bond